[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
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When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.