My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
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Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
My neck my back my allergy attack
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.