Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
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[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.