[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
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[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol