Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
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me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.