Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
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The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT