Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
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I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Catering service
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Taking phone security to the next level.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated