The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
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I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.