If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
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Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Practicing safe sax
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet