Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
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When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.