Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
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Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Breaking news:
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.