St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
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how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?