Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
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having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target