Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
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I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
That’s incredible! 👌
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.