Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
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I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats