Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
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My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I only look at Wordle for the articles
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”