[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
You Might Also Like
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?