(Electricians.)
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Generation gap…
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem