Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
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I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Thursday
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.