I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
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The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”