Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
You Might Also Like
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.