They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
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Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
mood
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.