women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
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Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside