Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
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everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
i wish we could shoplift online
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Bro what is this
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.