*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
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My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes