The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
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@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day