Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
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*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”