Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
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“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus