Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
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I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”