Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
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Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
time for some seasonal decor
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏