What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
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no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.