COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
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A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.