Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
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If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children