Stop it! 😂
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“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
How to draw a duck
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
The news is so predictable nowadays
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.