“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
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boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Good dog. ❤️
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings: