No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
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next question.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Think I pulled my liver
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus