i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
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If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad