Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
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[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.