Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
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Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for