[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
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Going to church you guys need anything
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”