I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
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Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
My favorite female superhero
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced