– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
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You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?