Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
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#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?