Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
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disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what