I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
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Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.