[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
You Might Also Like
i canβt believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldnβt shove them up his nose
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
From now on when people come up to me while Iβm pregnant and say, βlooks like youβre getting so close now!β Iβm just going to start saying βyou too!β
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news Iβve had all week.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
wut hotdog?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
β¬π©π©π©β¬
π©π©π©π©π©
π¦β¬π¦β¬π¦π¦
π©π©π©π©π©
π©β¬β¬β¬π©
β¬π©π©π©β¬
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldnβt come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.