Become ungovernable.
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[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?