You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
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The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship