If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
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Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.