Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
You Might Also Like
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
I am never leaving this website
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
In Canada they just call them geese
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.